Problem

Solution

It was an exciting story, even Hannah’s fingers stilled as she listened. comma splice

The exciting story stilled even Hannah’s fingers as she listened.

Promise found that many sweets denied her could be successfully negotiated for on his behalf. passive voice, awkward syntax

Promise found that she could successfully negotiate the many sweets denied her on his behalf.

To celebrate the Fourth of July, there was a mili­tary parade that ended with the firing of three volleys on East Battery.

A military parade that marked the Fourth of July capped the celebration with three volleys fired on East Battery.

Zachary was frequently at Robert Hayne’s side, who ushered him past social barriers that money alone could not vanquish, and into Charleston’s inner circles. antecedent

Zachary was frequently at the side of Robert Hayne, who ushered him past social barriers that money alone could not vanquish, and into Charleston’s inner circles.