EXAMPLE
October 1999: Beginnings and Endings
The first example is the introductory paragraph for Wade Rain’s Poweroll
irrigation system. If you want to read about an efficient irrigation system, visit www.waderain.com. If you want to see how to vary
sentence structure to maintain interest in your subject, read right here:
Original |
Revised |
| The Poweroll is a mechanized
sprinkler irrigation system which takes the hard work out of moving sprinkler irrigation
pipe. It can operate on all types of soils and on almost any
crop except the taller ones such as corn and sugar cane. It operates
in square fields and is economical in fields as small as 25 acres. |
The Poweroll is a mechanized sprinkler irrigation
system that takes the hard work out of moving sprinkler irrigation pipe. Capable of
running on all types of soils and irrigating all but tall crops such as corn and sugar
cane, Poweroll operates efficiently in square fields and economically in fields as small
as 25 acres. |
The second example is the concluding paragraph for Wade Rain’s Poweroll irrigation
system. The phrase "over 60 years" qualifies the claim of "long
leadership." The phrase "solid base of domestic and international
experience" qualifies the claim of "Poweroll as a proven solution."
Original |
Revised |
| Wade Rain Poweroll is backed by Wade Mfg. Co.'s long experience in the sprinkler irrigation industry, over 60
years. Poweroll has been tested on a great variety of crops and growing conditions all
over the world. Now from its leadership position Wade Rain
offers Poweroll as a proven solution to many of today's modern farming irrigation needs. |
Wade Rain Poweroll is backed by Wade Rain's long
leadership in the sprinkler irrigation industry, over 60 years. Poweroll has been tested
on a great variety of crops and growing conditions all over the world. From its solid base
of domestic and international experience, Wade Rain offers Poweroll as a proven solution
to many of today's modern farming irrigation needs. |
For your beginnings, endings and in betweens, contact editor@persuasivepen.com. |