Patter

My tongue is the pen of a ready writer.  Psalm 45:1

From a Washington Post contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following are some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude(n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
statements.

Thanks to Peg Marson of http://topscience.org/